Clear liquid danced around the glass as BJ made his way to Hawkeye’s cot. Sweat from his forehead mingled with the rain seeping through the canvas. The humidity had an iron grip on their lungs. He missed the dry San Francisco summer. He missed his home. He missed his wife.
A familiar spiral began to unfold. If he concentrated, he could see it swivel in his glass: Exhaustion, anger, longing, anesthesia, refill. Hawkeye took delivery of the cargo and BJ poured himself another. Loud glugs filled the air as BJ turned to Hawkeye, sprawled on his cot, sweaty glistering on his limbs, sipping his martini.
Both of them in just shorts and a T-shirt, feeling like the place had turned into a sauna. Now, Hawkeye’s lascivious undraped form was melancholically reminding BJ of Peg, who would lie similarly on the couch after a long day. How much sorrow can you accumulate in your heart until you explode? He missed his family, he missed everything familiar, he missed his child, he missed a drink. Refill.
“I see a man with a mission,” rasped Hawkeye.
BJ sighed. “Leave it, Hawk,” but the man was already prodding at the open wound.
“Any particular reason get fucked up tonight?”
Gracelessly, BJ spun around, spilling bits of the gin onto the rain-wet floor.
“I just want everything and everyone to shut up, please”
“Beej...”
“It’s so useless!”
His exhaustion filled the room. Like clockwork, BJ exploded. Hawkeye’s pained expression traced his slouched form.
“It’s so fucking stupid. Why am I here?”
Hawkeye dropped his head back onto the mattress. “Don’t I know it”
“Why am I here? God, fuck,” he downed his drink in big gulps. Script has it, he’ll kick his footlocker next. Script has it, he’ll scream next and start to cry. Script doesn’t account for the fatigue of surgery. His eyes turned to the mesh walls, gazing into the darkness outside. Maybe he could get lucky and be called into OR again. He raised his empty glass. That was the most disgusting thought he had had in a long time.
BJ’s voice turned rueful: “Are you going to kick me if I start talking about my wife?”
“By all means,” Hawkeye shrugged. Standing between both cots and the swamp, completely lost in the open space, BJ felt incredibly pathetic.
“You look like her. The way you lay there. Care to don a silk gown and indulge me?”
“You got one in your footlocker?”
“Every morning I’d find her on the couch. The entire summer she was pregnant. Said it was too hot sleeping next to me. That feels like ages ago,” His bones heavy, three martinis made themselves felt.
“You make me miss her too,” Hawkeye’s warm tone soothed BJ’s nerves.
“Sorry”
“Don’t be. You sound so happy together. I don’t know. I’ve only been in relationships that implode”
Abruptly, BJ’s face fell. “What do you mean?”
Hawkeye spluttered into his drink, waving his hand around, frantically dramatising his recounts.
“My first girlfriend was perfect, until she started turning our entire class against me. Middle school, you know? Carlye – you remember Carlye – she decided to leave without a comment, just slipping out of my life. And I don’t need to tell you about Trapper,” he chucked the olive pit to the floor, “Hell, even my mother died before I got to know her”
Hawkeye came to a full stop, avoiding BJ’s face. Two steps forward, BJ lowered himself onto Hawk’s cot, rustling the sheets, careful not to jostle his spindly legs. Hawkeye took another swig, before he spoke in a small voice.
“It makes me miss Peggy. I mean, I know what it’s like when people leave all of a sudden”
Then, Hawkeye turned hesitant: “Makes me want to be her a bit too. You know?”
BJ’s fingers found a loose thread.
“It’s just that you’ll go back to her. Of course you will. She’s your wife. And you have a child”
This was going to be a longer conversation, wasn’t it? He chose his next words carefully.
“I’d come back home, even if we hadn’t had Erin”
“Oh, sure, yeah. But it is a bonus comfort, you can’t deny that. She makes it a guarantee. You won’t leave. It’s your child!”
“You make me sound unfaithful”
Wet blue eyes glancing at him from below – Hawkeye’s frown hidden by a hand wiping over his face.
“I’m sorry, Beej. I didn’t mean to”
“Well,” he leaned back, “Pregnancy isn’t only a fun bonus. It’s gory. Dangerous. Sometimes life-threatening, always life-altering. You know that; You’re a doctor”
He threw a nod to his face – a nonchalant veneer coating the gesture.
“Oh, so that’s how it is? A bit of flesh lusting for offspring”
“Don’t say it like that... Beneath the blood, it’s also... intimate. And beautiful. It’s domestic. A the closest you’ll ever feel to another soul”
“Oh great,” came the bitter response, “I guess it doesn’t matter that I’ll have to miss out on the event, then”
And back to square one they went. These verbal bouts were tiring. BJ felt a strange pull emitted by the body next to him. With a clink! he put his glass to the floor and slowly placed himself horizontally next to Hawkeye. His face coming up to his belly, he snuggled up tight.
“What makes you be so sure?”
Silence. Hesitation in his fingers, as Hawk emulated the deed and sat his glass down with enough force to spill a bit of the liquid.
“BJ, who was the last person to think about settling down with me?”
Good question. BJ saved himself from spluttering and puffing, until Hawk spoke on.
“I don’t know either. I don’t know anyone who wants to settle down with a crank like me”
He shook his head: “You’re not a crank”
“Says the whacko to the flake”
Ignoring the dig, he veered off: “You ever thought about kids?”
“Oh, plenty with Carlye. That...” he flailed his hand, struggling for words, then sighed, “I don’t wanna call her something I’ll regret in the morning”
BJ nodded, pressed his lips together. A frown on both their faces.
“Listen, I want... yeah, I want a kid. Maybe two, I don’t know, but you need to understand this,” Hawkeye propped up his head, his face reminiscent and of utmost adoration, “My father did such an amazing job with me, you know? And it wasn’t all a walk in the park. Dead wife, weird kid, vacation in Korea, but look at me now. He never yelled, was always gentle. He tried to fix everything with a solid hug and a warm meal. I just wish I could be that too... that source of good to someone, because he was. He was very good at raising me. I wish I had a kid. Now right now, not the way you have Erin. That’d be awful. No offense, but your worries are enough on my mind. I just wish I could do my best with a child, somewhen...”
Hawk’s voice turned somber.
“But I haven’t found the right someone, yet. Sometimes, I get scared that she won’t ever come. That she’s not out there. Then, I think it would be easier to have a child with your friends, you know?. You like them anyways and they’re in your life already and you can’t blame them when they run away because they never promised you anything”
His voice picked up its fervor again.
“Hell, sometimes I wish I could get myself pregnant. Cut out the middle man... or woman. Sometimes I’m on a date and I fuck her like it’ll rearrange my guts and make me bear the child. Sometimes it’s all I’m looking forward to with her. I’ve always wanted kids, yes”
BJ smiled. He loved it when Hawk lost himself in ramblings, some of which BJ didn’t exactly follow, but this one was clear even to his tipsy mind. The act of creation between the flesh. He was beautiful when he talked a mile a minute; Soul spilling out between his lips, his sleek body displayed, hair flopping into his eyes.
“I guess I’ll just have to keep looking for her. I mean, I thought I had her with Carlye and all, but I guess that was just wishful thinking,” he laughed humorlessly, “She’s probably moved on to better things, what, with that husband of hers...”
“Aw, Hawk, don’t crush yourself. You were so happy talking about a child just a minute ago. She’ll come, Hawk. I know she will”
“Well if you’re so confident”
BJ sighed into his left hip, looking up.
“You know, Hawk... I know I’m no authority on fatherhood. Erin’s only one and a half and I haven’t been with her much at all, and it might be all that, but I think really the best thing about having a child is the pregnancy”
Hawk swallowed, taking his collar between his fingers, “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” BJ breathed, remembering the contrasting mix of those months, “It’s weirdly visceral. Your body changes so much in nine months. Physically, of course, but also emotionally. Things happen to your behaviours that you never thought possible. It’s messy and exciting. You get to know your spouse in an entirely new light”
“How did you change?”
“I became more... attentive to my wife’s needs. You’ll want to care for her. Of course you’re excited for the kid. Like, I thought I’d be jumping out of my skin every moment. But then, there are the quiet moments. When you’re just with your spouse and think about the future you’ll build together. It’s a bit like you said. Pregnancy is forever. Whatever happens in life, you’ll always have a child together. And you want to spend that life as close as possible”
Hawkeye hung on his every word, which surprised BJ more than it should have. It made sense. Now that it was all laid out in front of him, it made incredible sense. Hawkeye’s general attitudes, his skirt chasing, his need to be needed. His pathological avoidance of commitment while looking for it in every crevice. Going for a comforting gesture, BJ placed his arm around Hawk’s hip, fondling his side.
A new kind of embrace, one they hadn’t shared before, but it felt familiar all the same. Strange was the pain in Hawk’s eyes. Awful were his unfulfilled wants. Horrible was this ratty situation they were in, where BJ could do nothing to alleviate his pain.
And just like that, a focus sat in. Familiar scenes filled with familiar motions. There was this gaping hole in BJ’s chest that he knew very well by now. It announced itself when Hawkeye frowned like that and closed itself when BJ heard his friend laugh again. BJ was nothing but resourceful. BJ was nothing but pleasing. BJ was nothing but a good husband. Cogs turning in his head, he pictured Hawkeye at the end of the night, falling asleep with a smile to his face.
“Okay Hawk,” he defined, turning his face into Hawk’s meager muffin top. Nose on soft skin, “You know, I think it would suit you”
BJ’s smile softened in anticipation. Slowly, he dug his chin into Hawk’s belly, relishing the friction. His left hand came, stroking Hawk’s side, clearly tickling him a bit as he began squirming under BJ’s touch, looking focused, interested and ready to pounce.
“You know... the preparations. Going shopping for a changing table. You’d knit the kid a jumper”
Hawkeye caught his breath, but BJ surged ahead, mercilessly.
“The stretch marks, the child care. Being a stay-at-home dad. Let alone the sometimes weeks of tries it takes to get pregnant. I think you’d like that. Being the center of attention. Being shown endless love for months ad infinitum”
It was a compromising position for Hawkeye to be in. It enthralled BJ: The trust, the need. The love. He had his chest pressed firmly onto Hawk’s crotch, face planted into his dark happy trail peeking out where his shirt had ridden up. Simply put, it was painfully obvious what BJ’s words were doing to him. He was getting harder by the minute, canting his hips upwards into BJ’s space, chasing the pressure. His lips were placed in a fine line of delight, his eyes filled with desperation already, his fingers slowly cottering the fabric of the blanket underneath them.
“I’d imagine it like this: You, two months pregnant with a slight baby bump. The swollen feet and ankles haven’t sat in yet, but your tits probably feel sore already. I think you’d look amazing, fuck, lewd even. Honestly, if I were to see you like that, I might push you down on the mattress again and knock you up again. You want that, don’t you? A cute little baby bump – that’s hot, Hawk. A family, photo albums, baby books, that domesticity. I’d give it to you. I’d give it to you in a heartbeat. Let me, please”
“Beej...” he moaned, “You don’t have to. We can stop.”
Instead of answering him verbally, BJ took his fingertips and slowly dragged them over Hawk’s growing bulge in his shorts.
“Aw, Hawk. Don’t be ashamed. I see the way you reference pregnancies. The way you prod and poke when I talk about Peg’s. Here, I’ll tell you how it would work. I’d woo you for months beforehand. I’d buy the softest linen sheets, and fluffiest pillows and I’d bake you the juiciest apple pie and kiss you all over. I’ll give you a little Hawk. A little BJ junior. I’ll try every day for weeks until your ass is sore and your tits are blousy, until we sonograph you and it’s final. I’ll treat you right. I’ll be by your side, the whole nine months and decades afterwards. You’ll never get rid of me. Please, Hawk,” he whined, “Please let me have a family with you”
And instead of dignifying him with a coherent response to that, Hawkeye let out the most sexual sound BJ’s ever heard him make – somewhere between a groan and a scream filled with arousal. It went straight to BJ’s cock and his mental filing cabinet.
God, fuck. This scenario, this fantasy was getting to Hawk’s head. It was getting thrown into the traffic jam of every possible want and thought and worry of the past day, a jumbled mess in the forefront of his mind. It plastered itself directly in front of his eyes, until it was the only thing Hawk could think about. It was hot. It was cute. It was overwhelming. It was everything he ever wanted to experience. Shit, if he could be stuck with a kid anywhere on earth, he’d like to be stuck in B.J. Hunnicutt’s arms.
It was agony. BJ’s wide frame blocking out all surrounding distractions, giving way to all sorts of dreams: They could be in Tokyo on a real bed. They could be in San Francisco in a motel. They could be in Hawk’s childhood bedroom, making love.
Strained breaths filled the room. It took a while for Hawk to rip himself from his deepest desires. It had to be done eventually. It could never last. After a beat, Hawk swallowed.
“Uh, Beej?” Shit. His voice was wrecked, “I don’t know if you’re aware, but there’s this anatomical issue in the way”
“Indulge me,” came the immediate response. “Indulge yourself. Let it be a fantasy. Or let it be real, you decide”
Hawk swallowed, eyes misty, turning away. “You can’t say that”
BJ froze. Was that a wrong thing to say?
“Oh? Why not?”
“You can’t say something like that and not fuck me into the mattress. And not give me a child.”
“Would you let me try?” The honesty was killing him. Or maybe it was BJ’s breath ghosting over Hawkeye’s skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake.
“Please Hawk. It could be everything you’re hoping for”
He was such a goner. BJ had him in his grip. He’d do anything for the man. Everything. He couldn’t help but let the tears fall.
“I’ll just try a lot harder,” BJ muttered, stroking his cheek, “I’ll rack myself just for your pretty body. I’ll make more of an effort than the last guy. I’ll treat you better than your last fella, promise. I’ll get you pregnant, love. Don’t worry, I’ll get you there.”
That was it. Mind zeroing in on BJ, finally collapsing under his want, Hawkeye grabbed a fistful of hair, pulled the man upwards and crashed their lips together.
Comfortable movement, familiar want. The kiss was incredibly tender. The kiss was incredibly demanding. The kiss was incredibly revealing. BJ a statue of love, stroking his ribs, rummaging through his hair, tongue, teeth, nose – face to face like leaving a bruise was the only logical conclusion. He went on kissing Hawk’s breasts, then his nipples until they were hard and easy to play with. Like a thorough check-up, he did not leave a patch of skin unexplored: Lips, nose, cheeks, jaw, neck, throat, collar, arms, abdomen, belly and pelvis.
Kissing like they couldn’t get enough of it. Kissing like they wanted a map of each other’s skin. Like they wanted to memorise the other forever. BJ’s touches were spilling over with love, gratefulness even. Hawkeye couldn’t stand it. He needed more. He couldn’t let go yet. He needed to drown in BJ’s affection.
There was a different word for it, one that he didn’t dare to think. One he could maybe stutter later. As an even deeper pretend layer to their pretend reality, when BJ was farther gone.
For now, he needed BJ’s mindless words, his sweet nothings whispered into his ear. He demanded him, raising his hips, intensifying the movement and the sensation of BJ’s cock.
There were far too many feelings involved in this for Hawk’s taste. He wanted BJ’s come to fill every possible cavity of doubt – mental or physical. But before that could happen, Hawkeye needed to hear a bit more of BJ’s honey-coloured voice.
“Why wouldn’t I work?”
“Huh?”
He raised his voice again: “Stay-at-home dad. Why wouldn’t I work?”
BJ sat up, knees framing Hawk’s hips, pressure on his pelvis. It took a while for both of them to cool down. For Hawk’s voice to not waver, for BJ not to rip off the fabric with his teeth and dig in. Leave it to Hawk to remember a detail.
“Because you’ll just relax,” BJ explained, “Growing a body is strenuous, believe me. I’ll look after you, though. I’ll go to work and you’ll stay in bed all day. Warm and safe and sleepy. You’ll wear a silk gown and splay yourself on the couch like you’re doing right now. And when I come home, I fuck you into the cushions, just because I can”
“Beej...”
“I’m an amazing husband. And an even better father. I’ll get you pregnant in no time. And I’ll still fuck you every day, though, don’t worry, baby”
Hawk’s breath paused. BJ felt a hand coming up to his thighs as he dug two fingers in the hem of Hawk’s waistband.
“Please,” BJ whined, “You’d give Erin a little baby brother. A baby sister, whatever, Hawk. Please”
The hand placed itself to BJ’s ass, giving him a pleasant twinge. Hawk’s voice was punched-out, filled with grief, when he spoke again.
“You sure you want that? How can I know you won’t leave?”
BJ’s placed a kiss to his sternum.
“Would I leave my kids? Would I leave Erin?”
Hawk shook his head vehemently.
“Then why would I leave my kid’s beautiful father?”
“God, BJ”
“I’ll give us a child. Sure, I will. Anything for you, Hawk. We’ll try every night for two, three weeks. I’ll put a child in you and never leave. I’ll weave myself into you.”
One last look – a final word. A final chance for a veto. Hawkeye nodded frantically.
Without hesitation, BJ took his deft hands and stripped Hawkeye bare, eliciting a loud moan as he placed a hesitant kiss to Hawk’s cock, still holding eye contact. The tug on his ass intensified.
“God you’re such a beauty,” BJ whispered, “How no one’s jumped you yet is a miracle to me. You’re perfect”
“I’m not,” he pressed out between the slow drag of soft lips against hard flesh. Immediately, the touch let up, making Hawkeye complain at the loss of contact, but BJ pushed him down into the cot.
“Shut up. You are. You’ll be the father of my child. I’ll have a word with everyone who shit-talks him. Even himself. You’re beautiful. I will have no reason to leave. Happy wife...”
“Happy life,” Hawk smiled as the attention was turned back to his cock.
“Hawk,” BJ’s eyes emitted hunger, desire, “you’ve got an ass worth breeding and a pair of tits that I want to lick clean every time I see you in the showers. You’ve got a dick worth writing poetry about and a personality to swoon over. Now, I’d like to put my dick someplace, where the sun doesn’t shine and have you cry out my name, okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, damnit. Completely A-OK,” he blabbered.
“I want to rub your back. I want to lay you down on the futon,” BJ kept kissing him, “I want to ask you if you were completely sure. Are you? Do you want my baby, Hawkeye?”
Screwing up his eyes, Hawkeye nodded. Please, he thought, let me think of a soft bed and a foot rub and juicy apple pie.
“Fuck, yeah, Beej. Please. Please get me pregnant”
“Okay, baby. I’ll get right to it,” BJ said, twisting a nipple and beginning to suck a giant hickey into Hawk’s neck. His back arched up, his forehead barely missed the cupboard behind the bed. His body attuned to BJ’s touch. His vocal box had stopped working properly somewhen between two minutes and an eternity ago. His mind occupied by only the enchanted whispers of the fact that he would finally bear a child, would walk out of this encounter brimmingly pregnant and only when BJ was satisfied with his work. Without noticing it, Hawk’s lips had started moving, whispering the same things over and over into BJ’s ear.
“Please, please. Beej, please get me pregnant, I need... I need to feel you. I need you, I need everything of you. Everything you can give. Please. Please give me a child,” cutting himself off with a dazed sigh as BJ rocked his hips back down, taking Hawk with him into the cot, pressing his cock directly on Hawk’s. Hot, leaky and hard in his boxers.
His tricks were dirty, Hawk thought, as the man placed a firm hand on Hawk’s lower abdomen, radiating warmth from his belly out into his extremities.
“Patience, baby” BJ said, “Just a moment,” before pulling off. It was necessary evil, as he observed him finally stripping as well. Hawkeye let his gaze wander. His beautiful chest hair, golden across his pectorals. The cute belly, the lean thighs, the way his mustache made Hawkeye aggravatingly horny. Not to mention that BJ was fucking hung.
Hawkeye was content to just drift in the space between them, until the sound of BJ spitting into his palm snapped him back to reality immediately, eyes springing open. Hawk propelled himself up, vision spinning. Fuck the liquor.
“Uhm, BJ? When was the last time you did any of this?”
BJ had stilled as well, resting on his knees that held Hawk’s hips in place.
“In San Francisco, Hawk. You know that”
“Yeah, Beej... With a man, I mean”
Oh, I’ll be damned, Hawkeye thought. The man had immediately blushed beet red, up to his blond hair. First time fucking a guy and it goes like this.
Watching Hawkeye’s befuddled expression, self-consciousness bled into BJ’s mind. He was supposed to pamper Hawk, give him the sex of his life until he was dripping come out of every orifice and BJ was failing his most basal instincts, making Hawkeye work for his deficiencies. Failing at his most fundamental: being a good father and husband. Vigorous hands took BJ’s face between their palms.
“Hey, Beej. Look at me. You’re good. You’re better than good. But I am not hurting myself or you for anything – any kind of sex. Hold on,” he threw one arm under the cot, conjuring a tube of lubricant and opening it.
“Here,” he said, grabbing BJ’s right hand and squeezing a fat dollop of clear gel onto his index and middle finger, “this is now a learning experience for both of us”
With that he started firmly massaging the tip of BJ's cock, then its length, then the base, then back up to the tip. BJ’s slicked up hand lay motionless in his lap, his mouth open in a moan, neck thrown back and hips rocking unsteadily into Hawkeye’s touch.
“Have you forgotten what you’re here for?” Hawkeye teased.
“No,” he breathed, rubbing the lubricant between his digits, “but you need to tell me what to do”
“Slowly,” Hawk said, focusing on BJ’s dick, “insert a covered finger. Just the tip. Make sure it gets all wet. Yeah. God, Beej, yeah like that. Then slowly massage it in. Do you need more jelly?”
“Do you?”
“Nah, keep going. Yeah. God, fuck. Exactly like that”
It was exhilarating, seeing Hawk like that. A sonata emerging from his taut lips. A beautiful pitch, a beautiful song just for BJ’s ears.
“Bit more pressure, love. Get it all wet...”
They continued like that, Hawk rocking his hips slowly, magically, sensually, like he wanted to savor BJ’s fingers in his hole forever. BJ, whose fingers were doing their best covering everything in lube, his hips following Hawk’s, riding the waves from above.
He was beautiful from atop: Long, slender figure layed out just for him. Naked chest, crumpled shirt, twitching dick on his belly, blissed out expression on his face. Not much more between them but punched out moans. One hand grasping the cot and another lightly grazing BJ’s cock, if he rocked too far forward. It was like a reward. Like a great trophy for doing the job right. BJ bit his lips not to speed up his thrusts at this thought.
“Ngh, Beej... that’s perfect. You’re perfect. Let me look at that,” said Hawk, pushing one hand down to his asshole, feeling, stretching himself out a bit more. “Well done, baby. Yeah, that’s wet enough. Okay, give me your cock,” he said, grabbing for it. Flush, pink, glistering from the pre-cum collecting on the tip. Gloriously thick. “Christ, Beej, you’ll split me in half.”
Without conscious effort, BJ placed his hand over Hawk’s on his cock. They looked at each other. Arduous, loaded seconds. Hawk looking stricken. Then BJ smiled, inclining his head.
“Show me how?”
Wrong wording.
“You stick your dick in”
He huffed.
“Yeah, no kidding, Hawk,” he leaned in, “I get to fuck you into the mattress, baby. Let me fuck your mind as well. It’s gonna be our kid, let it be our act”
Hawkeye exhaled shakily. “Fuck, you’re incredibly hot when you talk like that”
“Am I?”
Hawkeye gave a tug to BJ’s cock, punching out his temerity.
“Shut up, you know that you are. Keep your hand on your cock, I’ll guide you”
The first spark of contact was incredible. Lightly brushing Hawk’s slicked up entrance. BJ felt something sizzle between them. Electrifying and magnificent and incredibly good. BJ got needy: “Can I?”
“Yeah, baby”
“Say it.”
“What?”
“That you want me, baby”
“You know I do”
“I want to be sure”
Desideratum versus tentativeness. Hawkeye clicked his tongue.
“Fuck me down and bruise me up, BJ. If I’m not pregnant by tomorrow, better hone your skills!”
Good enough. Holding eye-contact for just a second longer, BJ slowly pushed forward, breaching Hawkeye’s desperate asshole with ease.
It was amazing. BJ’s eyes had fallen shut, his mouth opened, his face contorted in pure bliss. Hawkeye was similarly looking. He extended a hand up to BJ’s cheek, who turned his head and kissed his palm.
Small rocking motions, experimentally at first. A moan in response. The best one BJ’s ever heard Hawkeye make, so he kept on pushing forward.
He was good, above average, maybe, it being his first time. His thrusts becoming more defined, nifty with time. Sometimes teasing but never painful. His cock was big but not overwhelming.
No, overwhelming were the firm hands that ran up and down Hawk’s flanks. It was BJ whispering all sorts of things into his ear.
“I’ll take care of you” and “I’ll make you feel so good” and “I’ll knock you up and we’ll build a future together” and “We’ll make it out of here. We’ll live. I promise.”
Every point of contact between them felt like it was a small fire, burning away his skin. This was new. This was foreign. This was familiar. This was similar, reflective of so many adventures with Peggy but so new that he couldn’t quite draw the similarities.
There he was, kneeling on top of his best friend, cock disappearing with familiar thrusts between the new sight of Hawkeye’s ass cheeks. His bare chest jutting upwards, his eyes closed. One hand grasping Hawkeye’s tits. His cock rock-hard against his stomach.
Hawkeye, who was writhing and wriggling on his cot, hips barely meeting BJ’s thrusts, desperate for control of the movement that he was relentless to give up. Hawk’s hand grasping the wooden frame of the creaking cot, his face buried in the pillow. His knees prodding into BJ’s ribs, propped up to give him the best access to his hole.
It slowed BJ down. Focus, Hunnicutt. You’re here to do a job, you’re here to make Hawk feel good – feel the best in ages. You’re here as a means to an end. You’re here to fulfill desires. BJ stopped pushing, nearly slipping out of Hawkeye.
“Beej?”
BJ ran a silken hand up Hawkeye’s body. Starting at his cock, grazing the base, his balls, slippery release cool on his fingers. Cut tip twitching under his tender touch. Then over his lush happy trail to his naval, abdomen, chest, tits, nipples. BJ leaned into Hawkeye’s space: belly to belly, dick to dick, nose to nose.
“Something wrong, Beej?” Hawkeye asked as BJ pushed in again, leaving him gasping just fractions of an inch in front of his eyes. It was a sight for the history books.
“No, I just want to see my gorgeous husband up close. Wanna see how I make you feel. God, you’re so beautiful like that. I wish you could see yourself. Just imagine how pretty our kid is going to be with you as their father, Hawk. Let me make you mine. I want to make you my fella. Show you around town,” his hand came to rest on his lips, lightly touching. Asking for permission.
“Beej”
“I’ll get you pregnant and our kid will look like you and me and everyone will know, forever”
“You make me feel incredible. You make me feel like I’m on fire”
BJ kept staring at Hawk’s lips, until the man closed the last distance.
If touching was like a fire burning under his skin before, kissing was like being in the center of a hurricane. BJ’s mind immediately quieted, focusing on the wet pull of Hawkeye’s lips, the flutter of his eyelashes, the vibrations of his voice and exactly what sounds BJ could draw out of him with his cock from this angle. A lot of new ones, it seemed like.
“That’s it, Hawk, you’re taking my cock so well. You’re so good. God, you feel amazing. You feel incredible,” he laughed, “Have you been saving yourself for me?”
A giggle: “You wish!”
“You’re telling me I’m not the first guy to knock you up? That there’s tons of tiny little Hawks running around the States?”
Oh, this one really hit off, BJ thought as Hawkeye’s movements intensified, his hands desperately looking for a hold, running up and down BJ’s back.
His touch was demanding. With every rock of BJ’s hips, Hawkeye banned another person from his mind.
His father, for being incredible and making him want kids on his own. Carlye for feigning stability and incessancy, before anything could ever be real. Trapper for fucking off without a word. His mom for being so easy to miss, for wishing he could have known her before she, too, left him. And...
“Please, Beej. Please. I need you. I want you. Please. Get me pregnant”
BJ caught a hand from his back, brought it up to his mouth, sucked on Hawk’s fingers until he had his attention and released the hand again, letting it rest on his chest, combing through the greying hairs, while his own hand grabbed Hawkeye’s silver mop.
He was so beautiful. He was gorgeous. Ready to be dissected. BJ decided to up his game.
“Just so you know, Hawk. When you’re pregnant, you’ll never lift a finger. I’ll bring you breakfast in bed, every day. I’ll pamper you. I’ll buy you everything you want. I’ll make everything possible. I’ll show you how much you’re worth. Hawk, you’re worth the world. You’re worth everything. You’re worth your weight in gold. Twice your weight. Thrice your weight and the kid’s. I’ll be yours, forever, okay? Okay baby?”
“Beej... m’close”
“Good,” he whispered, similarly affected, “You comfy? Need something else?”
“Hngh... only you”
“God, Hawk. I love you. I love you so much. Please”
There it was. Words he could never say sober. “I love you too,” he whined.
Which was everything BJ needed to slip right across the edge. He found release, came crashing into Hawkeye with uncoordinated thrusts, filling him up deep inside.
BJ took a hand to Hawkeye’s cock underneath him, giving its very tip a few tender strokes, until traveling downwards to his balls and up again, until Hawk came crashing down as well, coming white hot, desperately and intensively and into BJ’s hand.
It was incredible. It was too much. It was not enough. It was intimate. It was forbidden and exciting and new and a promise Hawkeye couldn’t shake. Yes, he loved B.J. Hunnicutt. Yes, he wished for a life with him. Yes, he wanted to build a family with him. Yes, he knew he couldn’t have any of that.
All energy had rushed out of BJ’s body, tension vanishing, he dropped his body into Hawk’s chest. Still buried deep inside him, he rubbed his nose on his shoulder and took a hand to their connection, feeling his own cum leaking out of Hawkeye.
Deep breaths elevating and lowering their chests in tandem. Hawkeye kissed his dirty fingertips.
“Wanna make sure it takes,” he explained, his voice winded.
“Sure Hawk. Want me to pull out?”
“Not yet, no”
They were both still in the throes of the afterglow. Still willing to participate in the fantasy of a pregnancy. Still willing to embrace in shared ecstasy. BJ started massaging Hawk’s belly. “Just spreading myself around,” he explained, “making sure I stay deep inside you,” but his voice sounded foreign even to himself.
A new fear appeared at the back of BJ’s mind: The awkwardness of a good fuck.
“Beej, you’ll never leave me at this rate”
“Not even for a trip to the latrines?” he joked, tracing invisible lines into Hawk’s jaw.
“Beej, you know you’re in my soul, right?”
He didn’t, so he didn’t answer.
Hawk sighed. “You can pull out now”
BJ did as he was told, laying back onto Hawk’s chest as the man had wrapped his hands around BJ’s torso and didn’t let him go far.
“I mean I’m pretty sure you’ve ingrained yourself into my flesh. The ‘you have changed me forever’ type. The one where my soul isn’t the same. But also in the flesh. Because I can still feel you inside of me and, goddamnit BJ, this is the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me!”
He chuckled, exhaustion replacing worry.
“I sure hope it didn’t only happen to you but with you”
“Semantics. It happened through you”
BJ smiled against Hawkeye’s neck: “Happy to be of service”
Silence between them. Even breathing, harsh rain still pouring onto the tent. There they lay, together. Happily spent, eyes heavy-lidded, Hawk’s tousled hair prickling BJ’s ear. A hand caressing his head – a perfect snuggle.
“You alright there?” BJ asked, but Hawkeye only managed a fucked-out whisper, sounding far away, despite the vicinity. BJ stilled.
“Are you comfortable? Warm?“
What had he done to deserve such a gentleman? Hawkeye managed to open one eye a crack, lifting one corner of his mouth in a smirk: “C’mere, Beej,” but BJ only frowned.
“Hey, one second. Let me make sure you’re okay, baby“
“I’m okay,” Hawk whispered, “I’m more than okay. You rocked my world. Thank you,” which finally got him to smile and nuzzle into Hawkeye’s hair: “Any time, Hawk. I mean it. Don’t you worry, I’ve got everything under control. I have a plan. We’ll get you pregnant. We’ll do.”
With his last drop of energy, BJ draped two blankets over their rapidly cooling bodies, falling asleep immediately afterwards.
In his time on earth, dribbling through all kinds of hookups, girlfriends, fiancés and one-night stands, Hawkeye had experienced many awkward morning afters – one could even say he was an expert on the issue – but this one really took the cake.
Not only was the hangover throbbing behind his temples, he was sticky with all sorts of fluids, naked, cuddling BJ and experiencing immense back pain from cramming two people on an already too-small cot.
Weird.
All those thoughts suddenly disappeared as he realised that it was Beej’s five o’clock shadow tickling his nose. Noticing exactly how close they were, how they breathed in each other’s air. How they must have done so for the entire night. The thought made him sick with excitement.
Okay, time to burst the bubble. Rip the bandaid off. Quick, dirty. It’ll be painful for only just a second. There’s no reason to linger. He should just get up.
He stayed on the cot, two lean and hairy arms holding him close to a firm chest.
“Morning, honey,” said the man in question.
Hawkeye flinched. That fucker was already awake! How long had he just been watching Hawkeye freak out?
“Hey Beej,” he said in return and received a kiss to his hair. Instinctively, Hawkeye closed his eyes again. Then, he got out the sentence he actually wanted to say.
“I guess we should talk,” Hawkeye mumbled into the fabric. Great! His voice was already cracking, tears welling up behind his eyelids. Entirely unwilling to leave the warm comfort of a pretend relationship. What he wouldn’t do for BJ in his arms every morning.
“Hey darling,” BJ stroked his cheek, “Open you eyes. It’s such a shame to hide them,” he smiled crookedly and tapped Hawk’s temple, “What’s going on up there?”
Hawkeye sighed, but BJ did not relent.
“Would you rather we’d have this conversation someplace else?”
This was enough. BJ’s softness was not helping the inevitable pain of rejection. Apparently unwilling to make the first step into resentment, Hawkeye took the lead, dousing his voice in a sharp edge: “I’d rather we wouldn’t have it at all”
“No can do, honey”
Words like an ice pick to the heart. Dangling all of his desires in front of his nose but always out of reach. Hawkeye lashed out: “Don’t call me that”
BJ froze, visibly taken aback: “It... it was fine last night?”
“When we were both drunk and okay with promises neither could keep,” Hawk looked at him, “I mean, really. I’m not gonna spell it out for you, all the stupid shit I said yesterday”
There was no response. Hawkeye buried his face in the covers. Coward.
“It’s just like you said. Let it be a fantasy or let it be real. I’m letting it be a fantasy”
“Okay Hawk,” BJ said hesitantly, lifting Hawk’s chin. “Your choice. But I’ll always be here, yeah? Whatever you need from me,” BJ wiped his tears away, “whatever you need, okay?”
Hawk let his face fall onto BJ’s chest, sniffling. How did he deserve that man?
“Beej?”
“Mh?”
“Thank you”
“I know, Hawk,” he gave him a reassuring pat on the arm, “I know, don’t worry,” then peeled himself off the creaking cot, leaving Hawk to warm down alone.
In a last-ditch effort to let the day begin as any other, BJ turned to Hawkeye, just as he had reached the door.
“I’m going to grab a shower, you coming?”
Hawk at least lifted his head to look at him over his shoulder. Small wins.
“Nah, you go enjoy that shower”
“Okay, Hawk...”
“Bye, Beej”
Hawkeye fell back onto his pillow, ramrod with nerves as the door clattered shut.
It’s not two days later that the act gets a repeat performance.